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This is it, people. Starcraft 2 has been announced. And, holy crap, it looks FANTASTIC!


short stories

And now for something completely different!
This is a short story that I wrote as a Christmas present for one of my friends. I recently discovered the manuscript, and thought that I would share it with you, my dear readers!

It was a typical day at Providence College. The birds were singing, the bell was ringing, and students were not receiving any mail in their boxes. Marilee Kauenhofen and her trusty sidekick, Lisa Rogalsky, were wandering through the Student Center, having a normal day. This normal day, however, would turn into a day that no one would forget.

“Wasn’t that a great concert last night?” said Marilee.

“Oh, yeah,” replied Lisa. “That Matt Neufeld is so good at French Horn, not to mention incredibly attractive as well!”

“I know,” said Marilee. “His technique is flawless, his hand position good, and…did you hear that?”

A hush fell over the Student Center as all turned towards the cafeteria doors. Then, they heard it again.


Lisa and Marilee clutched at each other. They could hear a loud, thumping sound coming from inside the cafeteria.

“I’m scared, Marilee!” quivered Lisa.

The thumping got louder and louder, and with a crash, the cafeteria doors burst open.

“Aaaah!” someone screamed.

“It’s….it’s…” stammered Marilee

It was a manatee. But not just any manatee. Normally, manatees are docile sea cows that live off the coast of Idaho and eat fish, much to the enjoyment of Idaho’s manatee-watching tourists. Rather, this manatee was twice its normal size, fluorescent green, and coated with what appeared to be Shake ‘n Bake. It would later be discovered that this particular manatee had accidentally been caught in a fishnet, shipped off to a fish sticks processing plant. However, the manatee got caught in the machines, was made radioactive by the cooking attempt, covered in batter, and shipped off to Providence College as part of a large fish-patty order. However, when the Sodexho staff tried to cook the manatee, they awakened the graceful giant from its slumber. And, like I’m sure you would do if the cafeteria staff tried to cook you, it got angry.

Aieeee!” Lisa screamed. “It’s an angry radioactive manatee!”

Panic broke out in the school. Mike Schellenberg knocked over the entire women’s basketball team as he tried to escape. Jeremy Wat screamed and fainted dead away. Sara Matyas used her superpowers and teleported to safety in a puff of purple smoke.

“What do we do?” yelled Lisa.

Thinking quickly, Marilee grabbed Lisa and ran into the nearest hiding spot – the newly renovated first floor girls’ bathroom. As they slammed the door shut, they could hear the screaming outside quiet down as the Student Center cleared. Hearts beating rapidly, the girls listened as the manatee thumped around the school.

“What do we do, Marilee?” cried Lisa. “I’m not supposed to be eaten by a Manatee!”

“Quiet!” whispered Marilee. “I think it’s coming closer.”

And coming closer it was. Drawn by the scent of Marilee’s ever-present yet rarely washed scarf, the manatee lumbered towards the girls’ bathroom.

“Quick!” said Marilee. “It’s coming in!”

Lisa and Marilee scrambled to get away from the door, but it was too late. With the force of a hurricane, the angry manatee crashed through the door, sending Lisa and Marilee flying. When the smoke cleared, Marilee found herself lying by the sink, with the manatee towering over the stalls, a hungry look in its eyes.

Lisa screamed. Help, Marilee!”

The manatee turned and spotted Lisa in the corner. Lisa was trapped! As the manatee slowly advanced on Lisa, Marilee had to think quickly. If only she hadn’t skipped the New Testament lecture on fighting wild sea cows! Then, it came to her. Thinking quickly, Marilee grabbed her Nalgene bottle, and filled it with cold water.

“Hey!” she yelled at the manatee. “Come get me, you tub of anchovy paste!”

The manatee turned to look at her.

“That’s right,” she yelled, “Come eat me, you big dumb tuna fish!”

With her last proclamation, she hurled her Nalgene bottle at the behemoth. The bottle flew through the air as if in slow motion. As Marilee watched, the bottle hit the manatee in the top of the head and bounced straight upwards. The manatee let out a roar of pain and started to charge, but before the beast could move, the Nalgene bottle hit the ceiling.

As we all know, Nalgene bottles are practically indestructible, except for one part: the cap. The bottle hit the ceiling in just the right way as to shatter the cap.

Water poured down on the manatee. It looked up in confusion, but a split second later, the manatee was obscured by a cloud of steam. A few seconds later, the manatee, with one last moan, toppled to the ground.

“Wow,” said Lisa, as Marilee helped her to her feet. “The radioactivity must have turned the water into steam, which cooked the batter, which in turn encased the manatee like so much cement! How did you do that?”

“Easy,” said Marilee. Then, she blinked. As the realization that she had just toppled a full-grown manatee hit, Marilee fainted dead away.

Lisa sighed. “That’s my roommate,” she said with a grin.

And that is how Marilee saved Prov from a rampaging, batter-encrusted radioactive manatee.

Okay, just a few clarifications. Marilee and Lisa were my official French Horn groupies that year. And I thought the concept of a rampaging manatee was hilarious. For those of you who don't know, a manatee is the least aggressive animal on the face of the planet. They are endangered mostly because they are too docile to move out of the way of boats!
Thanks for reading!