Breaking news

This is it, people. Starcraft 2 has been announced. And, holy crap, it looks FANTASTIC!

short stories

And now for something completely different!
This is a short story that I wrote as a Christmas present for one of my friends. I recently discovered the manuscript, and thought that I would share it with you, my dear readers!
Enjoy!

It was a typical day at Providence College. The birds were singing, the bell was ringing, and students were not receiving any mail in their boxes. Marilee Kauenhofen and her trusty sidekick, Lisa Rogalsky, were wandering through the Student Center, having a normal day. This normal day, however, would turn into a day that no one would forget.

“Wasn’t that a great concert last night?” said Marilee.

“Oh, yeah,” replied Lisa. “That Matt Neufeld is so good at French Horn, not to mention incredibly attractive as well!”

“I know,” said Marilee. “His technique is flawless, his hand position good, and…did you hear that?”

A hush fell over the Student Center as all turned towards the cafeteria doors. Then, they heard it again.

“AWOOOOOOooooooooooo….”

Lisa and Marilee clutched at each other. They could hear a loud, thumping sound coming from inside the cafeteria.

“I’m scared, Marilee!” quivered Lisa.

The thumping got louder and louder, and with a crash, the cafeteria doors burst open.

“Aaaah!” someone screamed.

“It’s….it’s…” stammered Marilee…

It was a manatee. But not just any manatee. Normally, manatees are docile sea cows that live off the coast of Idaho and eat fish, much to the enjoyment of Idaho’s manatee-watching tourists. Rather, this manatee was twice its normal size, fluorescent green, and coated with what appeared to be Shake ‘n Bake. It would later be discovered that this particular manatee had accidentally been caught in a fishnet, shipped off to a fish sticks processing plant. However, the manatee got caught in the machines, was made radioactive by the cooking attempt, covered in batter, and shipped off to Providence College as part of a large fish-patty order. However, when the Sodexho staff tried to cook the manatee, they awakened the graceful giant from its slumber. And, like I’m sure you would do if the cafeteria staff tried to cook you, it got angry.

Aieeee!” Lisa screamed. “It’s an angry radioactive manatee!”

Panic broke out in the school. Mike Schellenberg knocked over the entire women’s basketball team as he tried to escape. Jeremy Wat screamed and fainted dead away. Sara Matyas used her superpowers and teleported to safety in a puff of purple smoke.

“What do we do?” yelled Lisa.

Thinking quickly, Marilee grabbed Lisa and ran into the nearest hiding spot – the newly renovated first floor girls’ bathroom. As they slammed the door shut, they could hear the screaming outside quiet down as the Student Center cleared. Hearts beating rapidly, the girls listened as the manatee thumped around the school.

“What do we do, Marilee?” cried Lisa. “I’m not supposed to be eaten by a Manatee!”

“Quiet!” whispered Marilee. “I think it’s coming closer.”

And coming closer it was. Drawn by the scent of Marilee’s ever-present yet rarely washed scarf, the manatee lumbered towards the girls’ bathroom.

“Quick!” said Marilee. “It’s coming in!”

Lisa and Marilee scrambled to get away from the door, but it was too late. With the force of a hurricane, the angry manatee crashed through the door, sending Lisa and Marilee flying. When the smoke cleared, Marilee found herself lying by the sink, with the manatee towering over the stalls, a hungry look in its eyes.

Lisa screamed. “Help, Marilee!”

The manatee turned and spotted Lisa in the corner. Lisa was trapped! As the manatee slowly advanced on Lisa, Marilee had to think quickly. If only she hadn’t skipped the New Testament lecture on fighting wild sea cows! Then, it came to her. Thinking quickly, Marilee grabbed her Nalgene bottle, and filled it with cold water.

“Hey!” she yelled at the manatee. “Come get me, you tub of anchovy paste!”

The manatee turned to look at her.

“That’s right,” she yelled, “Come eat me, you big dumb tuna fish!”

With her last proclamation, she hurled her Nalgene bottle at the behemoth. The bottle flew through the air as if in slow motion. As Marilee watched, the bottle hit the manatee in the top of the head and bounced straight upwards. The manatee let out a roar of pain and started to charge, but before the beast could move, the Nalgene bottle hit the ceiling.

As we all know, Nalgene bottles are practically indestructible, except for one part: the cap. The bottle hit the ceiling in just the right way as to shatter the cap.

Water poured down on the manatee. It looked up in confusion, but a split second later, the manatee was obscured by a cloud of steam. A few seconds later, the manatee, with one last moan, toppled to the ground.

“Wow,” said Lisa, as Marilee helped her to her feet. “The radioactivity must have turned the water into steam, which cooked the batter, which in turn encased the manatee like so much cement! How did you do that?”

“Easy,” said Marilee. Then, she blinked. As the realization that she had just toppled a full-grown manatee hit, Marilee fainted dead away.

Lisa sighed. “That’s my roommate,” she said with a grin.

And that is how Marilee saved Prov from a rampaging, batter-encrusted radioactive manatee.

Okay, just a few clarifications. Marilee and Lisa were my official French Horn groupies that year. And I thought the concept of a rampaging manatee was hilarious. For those of you who don't know, a manatee is the least aggressive animal on the face of the planet. They are endangered mostly because they are too docile to move out of the way of boats!
Thanks for reading!

Something I just had to post

I picked this up from jazzoasis.com. It's Pat Metheny's opinion on Kenny G. Read and enjoy!

Question:

Pat, could you tell us your opinion about Kenny G - it appears you were quoted as being less than enthusiastic about him and his music. I would say that most of the serious music listeners in the world would not find your opinion surprising or unlikely - but you were vocal about it for the first time. You are generally supportive of other musicians it seems.

Pat's Answer:

Kenny G is not a musician I really had much of an opinion about at all until recently. There was not much about the way he played that interested me one way or the other either live or on records.

I first heard him a number of years ago playing as a sideman with Jeff Lorber when they opened a concert for my band. My impression was that he was someone who had spent a fair amount of time listening to the more pop oriented sax players of that time, like Grover Washington or David Sanborn, but was not really an advanced player, even in that style. He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist in an ensemble - Lorber was basically playing him off the bandstand in terms of actual music.

But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again). The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, played horribly out of tune - consistently sharp.

Of course, I am aware of what he has played since, the success it has had, and the controversy that has surrounded him among musicians and serious listeners. This controversy seems to be largely fueled by the fact that he sells an enormous amount of records while not being anywhere near a really great player in relation to the standards that have been set on his instrument over the past sixty or seventy years. And honestly, there is no small amount of envy involved from musicians who see one of their fellow players doing so well financially, especially when so many of them who are far superior as improvisors and musicians in general have trouble just making a living. There must be hundreds, if not thousands of sax players around the world who are simply better improvising musicians than Kenny G on his chosen instruments. It would really surprise me if even he disagreed with that statement.

Having said that, it has gotten me to thinking lately why so many jazz musicians (myself included, given the right "bait" of a question, as I will explain later) and audiences have gone so far as to say that what he is playing is not even jazz at all. Stepping back for a minute, if we examine the way he plays, especially if one can remove the actual improvising from the often mundane background environment that it is delivered in, we see that his saxophone style is in fact clearly in the tradition of the kind of playing that most reasonably objective listeners WOULD normally quantify as being jazz. It's just that as jazz or even as music in a general sense, with these standards in mind, it is simply not up to the level of playing that we historically associate with professional improvising musicians. So, lately I have been advocating that we go ahead and just include it under the word jazz - since pretty much of the rest of the world OUTSIDE of the jazz community does anyway - and let the chips fall where they may.

And after all, why he should be judged by any other standard, why he should be exempt from that that all other serious musicians on his instrument are judged by if they attempt to use their abilities in an improvisational context playing with a rhythm section as he does? He SHOULD be compared to John Coltrane or Wayne Shorter, for instance, on his abilities (or lack thereof) to play the soprano saxophone and his success (or lack thereof) at finding a way to deploy that instrument in an ensemble in order to accurately gauge his abilities and put them in the context of his instrument's legacy and potential.

As a composer of even eighth note based music, he SHOULD be compared to Herbie Hancock, Horace Silver or even Grover Washington. Suffice it to say, on all above counts, at this point in his development, he wouldn't fare well.

But, like I said at the top, this relatively benign view was all "until recently".

Not long ago, Kenny G put out a recording where he overdubbed himself on top of a 30+ year old Louis Armstrong record, the track "What a Wonderful World". With this single move, Kenny G became one of the few people on earth I can say that I really can't use at all - as a man, for his incredible arrogance to even consider such a thing, and as a musician, for presuming to share the stage with the single most important figure in our music.

This type of musical necrophilia - the technique of overdubbing on the preexisting tracks of already dead performers - was weird when Natalie Cole did it with her dad on "Unforgettable" a few years ago, but it was her dad. When Tony Bennett did it with Billie Holiday it was bizarre, but we are talking about two of the greatest singers of the 20th century who were on roughly the same level of artistic accomplishment. When Larry Coryell presumed to overdub himself on top of a Wes Montgomery track, I lost a lot of the respect that I ever had for him - and I have to seriously question the fact that I did have respect for someone who could turn out to have such unbelievably bad taste and be that disrespectful to one of my personal heroes.

But when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing all over one of the great Louis's tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible. He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and calloused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician. By disrespecting Louis, his legacy and by default, everyone who has ever tried to do something positive with improvised music and what it can be, Kenny G has created a new low point in modern culture - something that we all should be totally embarrassed about - and afraid of. We ignore this, "let it slide", at our own peril.

His callous disregard for the larger issues of what this crass gesture implies is exacerbated by the fact that the only reason he possibly have for doing something this inherently wrong (on both human and musical terms) was for the record sales and the money it would bring.

Since that record came out - in protest, as insignificant as it may be, I encourage everyone to boycott Kenny G recordings, concerts and anything he is associated with. If asked about Kenny G, I will diss him and his music with the same passion that is in evidence in this little essay.

Normally, I feel that musicians all have a hard enough time, regardless of their level, just trying to play good and don't really benefit from public criticism, particularly from their fellow players. but, this is different.

There ARE some things that are sacred - and amongst any musician that has ever attempted to address jazz at even the most basic of levels, Louis Armstrong and his music is hallowed ground. To ignore this trespass is to agree that NOTHING any musician has attempted to do with their life in music has any intrinsic value - and I refuse to do that. (I am also amazed that there HASN'T already been an outcry against this among music critics - where ARE they on this?????!?!?!?!, magazines, etc.). Everything I said here is exactly the same as what I would say to Gorelick if I ever saw him in person. and if I ever DO see him anywhere, at any function - he WILL get a piece of my mind and (maybe a guitar wrapped around his head.)

NOTE: this post is partially in response to the comments that people have made regarding a short video interview excerpt with me that was posted on the internet taken from a tv show for young people (kind of like MTV)in poland where i was asked to address 8 to 11 year old kids on terms that they could understand about jazz. while enthusiastically describing the virtues of this great area of music, i was encouraging the kids to find and listen to some of the greats in the music and not to get confused by the sometimes overwhelming volume of music that falls under the jazz umbrella. i went on to say that i think that for instance, kenny g plays the dumbest music on the planet – something that all 8 to 11 year kids on the planet already intrinsically know, as anyone who has ever spent any time around kids that age could confirm - so it gave us some common ground for the rest of the discussion. (ADDENDUM: the only thing wrong with the statement that i made was that i did not include the rest of the known universe.) the fact that this clip was released so far out of the context that it was delivered in is a drag, but it is now done. (its unauthorized release out of context like that is symptomatic of the new electronically interconnected culture that we now live in - where pretty much anything anyone anywhere has ever said or done has the potential to become common public property at any time.) i was surprised by the polish people putting this clip up so far away from the use that it was intended -really just for the attention - with no explanation of the show it was made for - they (the polish people in general) used to be so hip and would have been unlikely candidates to do something like that before, but i guess everything is changing there like it is everywhere else. the only other thing that surprised me in the aftermath of the release of this little interview is that ANYONE would be even a little bit surprised that i would say such a thing, given the reality of mr. gs music. this makes me want to go practice about 10 times harder, because that suggests to me that i am not getting my own musical message across clearly enough - which to me, in every single way and intention is diametrically opposed to what Kenny G seems to be after.

Coming soon

A new home for Accept No Substitutes!

Something interesting...

I noticed that Eric Whitacre lists Imogen Heap as one of his top friends on his Myspace. Interesting, huh?

The world is coming to an end.

We're all doomed.
I was driving home from school today, switched the radio on, and what did I hear?
Kenny G covering James Blunt's "You're Beautiful".
Blech.

Prairie Voices concert...again!

This is the text of an email that I sent out just now. I figured I'd repost it for all of you who I don't have email addresses for.

Hi all,

I would like to cordially invite you to the Prairie Voices Winter Concert, entitled “Volare”, Italian for “fly”.

We will be performing works by Eric Whitacre, Moses Hogan, Healey Willan, Guido Lopez-Gavilan, and a new piece by Jussi Chydenius of Rajaton.

The concert is at 7:30 PM on Friday, March 2, 2007 at Knox United Church (400 Edmonton Street) in Winnipeg. The cost is $15 for adults, and $8 for students/seniors. You can get tickets by letting me know, or by purchasing one at the door.

I would hope that every one of you would be able to attend – it should be a good concert!

-Matt Neufeld

The best Super Bowl commercial of 2007.

Check this out.

New Acquisitions

Yesterday, Aaron and Caitlin and Amanda and I went to see some of the world's top commercials of 2006. Some highlights include:
This one, (Save the whales...or not)
This one, (the magic fridge)
This one (Pulp fiction in 30 Seconds).

After the show, we went to Carlos & Murphy's in Osborne Village. That place has really good Mexican food! Thanks to Third Floor for introducing me to this place!

Today Kyle (my youngest brother) took me to HMV and bought me some stuff for my birthday. Namely, a CD. It's Imogen Heap's Speak for Yourself. If you haven't heard of Imogen, go to her Myspace site and listen. Then buy this CD.
I also bought:
Chris Botti's To Love Again - a duets album, featuring many, many good people.
Run, Lola, Run for $7.99
and Edward Scissorhands for $9.99. Well worth the price!

In other news...

I know I should post more, but life has been really busy. Seriously. I'm working 30 hours a week, singing in Prairie Voices, and going to school at approximately 80% of a full course load. And, for those of you who don't already know, I started dating someone this week. Her name is Amanda, and she is an International Development Studies major at CMU. And she's really cool too.
Also, an announcement:
Prairie Voices is having our Winter Concert on March 2nd at Knox United Church. It's at 7:30 PM(I believe). You can buy tickets from me, or at the door (but please buy them from me in advance so you can be sure you can get in!).
So this is my life so far. I hope all of you are doing well, and please feel free to email or call me - if you're reading this, I miss you!